


Colouring Wizards For Fun and Profit: A Short Guide to the Third Age

by thingswithwings



Category: Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-09-15
Updated: 2002-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-24 00:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingswithwings/pseuds/thingswithwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No one is going to be purple." This from the second Wizard who had disembarked, a tall man with a deep voice whose garments, even now, looked a little dingy and tattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colouring Wizards For Fun and Profit: A Short Guide to the Third Age

**Author's Note:**

> I’m screwing with canon a bit. There’s only supposed to be five Istari, but I made it seven. I’m having fun, so there. This is the result of too much Tolkien and too much time spent working at the paint store.

The mists parted, the sun shone off of the rocks, and the glowing ship appeared. Shaped like a swan, moving silently through the water as though made from nothing more substantial than the mist, the ship swept up to the shoreline. Its long journey was at an end.

Seven aged men with long white beards and great cloaks stepped gravely off of the ship, nodding thanks and farewell to Cirdan the Shipwright as they went. They each held a tall staff in their right hand.

The first of these men stepped on to the land, proclaiming: "Each of us shall take a colour, and that colour shall represent the power of our office and the domain of our wisdom."

As he had spoken, the other six Wizards had disembarked. They now stood firmly on the earth, the beautiful ghostly ship having disappeared again into the mists. As the first Wizard finished his short speech, another Wizard’s hand shot up into the air, waving desperately for his leader’s attention.

The first Wizard looked disturbed. "Yes, Endu?"

"Can I be white?"

"No, Endu, I shall be white, for my domain is that of creation and of beginnings. I shall be known in this Age as..."

"How about purple, can I be purple?"

"No one is going to be purple." This from the second Wizard who had disembarked, a tall man with a deep voice whose garments, even now, looked a little dingy and tattered.

"Thank you, Olorin." The leader paused, having lost his place. He struggled for a moment, then composed himself. "If I may continue: I shall be known in this age by the name of Saruman the White, and I shall accomplish many beginnings and forge the Roots of Knowledge."

Endu’s hand shot up again.

"Yes?" Saruman the White looked annoyed.

"What if we don’t _call_ it purple? What if we call it _mauve_?"

There was a long silence, at the end of which Saruman the White spoke again.

"You shall be known in this Age as Endu the Mauve. Welcome to Middle-Earth."

There was sudden muttering from the other five, who had not yet chosen their colours. Olorin stepped forward.

"I will be known as Gandalf the Grey," he said simply.

Saruman nodded sagely.

The next in line, a timid-looking, stuttering Wizard, stepped forward. When he spoke, he could barely be heard. "I..." he began.

The timid Wizard was interrupted by Endu the Mauve, whose hand was once again in the air.

"Yes, Endu the Mauve?" asked Saruman the White.

"I’ve changed my mind. I want to be Endu the Ecru."

Saruman looked puzzled. "What kind of colour is Ecru?" he asked.

At this the younger Wizards piped up. One of them was of the opinion that ecru was similar to an antique ivory colour; another disagreed, postulating that it was more of a cream, really, with a hint of a rose tone to it, but not quite an eggshell. Their heated argument regarding whether a cloud white was a warm or a cool colour, and whether the warmth of the colour was a reflection on the Wizard’s personality was cut short by Saruman’s pointed glare. They shut up.

Endu the Formerly Mauve but Hopefully Soon to be Ecru said simply, "Ecru is a colour that starts with the same letter as my name."

Saruman decided that it was not worth arguing over, anyway, and that they might as well get on with it, seeing as it was nearly tea-time and he was starving.

"You shall be known in this age, then, as Endu the Ecru, and please do be content with that."

Endu the Ecru beamed, then went to sit next to Gandalf the Grey, who was trying to make loud noises by blowing into folded blades of grass.

The timid little Wizard came forward again, ready for his naming. "I...would like to be known as Radaghast the Brown. If that’s okay, erm, with you, I mean, Sir."

Ignoring Endu the Ecru’s rather loud comments about how Radaghast should be Red or Raspberry or Radical Orange Toffee or something, and another Wizard’s comment about brown being so over, really, taupe’s really what’s in nowadays, Saruman the White gritted his teeth and said, "You shall be known in this Age as Radaghast the Brown."

Radaghast the Brown smiled and went to sit on the other side of Gandalf the Grey, who had given up trying to teach Endu the Ecru the thing with the blades of grass and was instead using his staff to poke a hole in the dirt. Radaghast the Brown was thrilled: he was very interested in dirt.

Saruman noted with pleasure that he was more than halfway done; only three Wizards remained to be named. The next Wizard in line came forward, and said, "I shall be known as George."

Saruman waited for him to announce his colour, then faltered as George, a rather large and heavy-set Wizard with a great red beard, simply stood there stubbornly with his arms folded across his chest.

"And your colour, George, shall be..." Saruman tried.

"Don’t want one."

"George, we all have colours, you have to take one..."

"I wanted to be Ecru." George was almost pouting.

Endu the Ecru had jumped up from his spot next to Gandalf and was immediately shouting. "I get to have Ecru! Saruman the White said so! Besides, it goes with my name - Saruman, tell him it goes with my name, I have to be Ecru, it really works for my complexion..."

Saruman rubbed his temple with his fingertips and said, "Ecru has been chosen, George. Please choose another colour."

George looked sullen for a few moments, then finally said, "Fine. George the Aqua-Marine."

"So be it." Saruman was really badly in need of a cup of tea and a biscuit just now, and really, he didn’t care, at this point, what his Wizards chose to be called. At least he hadn’t gone for anything poncey himself, he could take some comfort in that, though it seemed that those manly nights of beer and darts were out the window. One simply cannot play darts with someone called Aqua-Marine, the whole system breaks down when one tries.

"Bert the Blue." said the next one, and went to sit down beside George, quite pleased that his colour had not been taken although he’d been next-to-last. Endu the Ecru clapped him on the shoulders.

Finally, it seemed, the last Wizard approached Saruman. "I am Engelbert, and I...I would like to be Mauve, if that’s still alright."

Endu the Ecru, who had sat back down, leaped up again at this. "Saruman the White! I am Endu the Ecru Formerly Known as Endu the Mauve, and I don’t think it appropriate that he take my name!"

Saruman glared at him, but Endu remained standing and glared back.

"You may only have one colour, Endu the Ecru."

"Then I want to be Endu the Mauve with Ecru Accents."

"Accents?" asked Gandalf the Grey curiously.

"You know, the trim and doors, a few throw pillows..." Gandalf nodded sagely at the explanation.

"You cannot be Endu the Mauve with Ecru Accents!" Saruman roared.

"But I..."

"No!" Saruman had gone quite red by this point, despite his own chosen colour. He pointed viciously at his Wizards. "You will be Grey! You will be Brown! _You_ will be Mauve," this directed at Endu the Formerly Mauve and Formerly Ecru and Almost Endu the Mauve with Ecru Accents but Now Known For Sure as Endu the Mauve, " _You_ will be George the Aqua-Marine, and _you_ ," he pointed viciously at Engelbert, "Shall be Engelbert the Ecru! Are we clear?"

There was a long moment of silence.

"I don’t see why he gets to be Ecru, seeing as how I wanted it first," said George the Aqua-Marine at last.

Saruman decided to give up on the tea and go straight for the hard stuff. It was going to be a very long Age.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] Colouring Wizards For Fun and Profit: A Short Guide to the Third Age](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1348573) by [exmanhater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exmanhater/pseuds/exmanhater)




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